Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
