Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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