You made me cry and you don't even care
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Randomize
