Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
