Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
