god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
