Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Just invented taco cereal.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
