just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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