Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
