i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
