What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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