We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
