He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
