I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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