I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
