I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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