Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
