Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
