she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
