now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
