just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
