Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
