My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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