Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
