Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
A+ Viking dick
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