I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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