I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
