I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
