If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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