I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
