Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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