i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
