i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
