i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
