Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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