a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
