He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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