i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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