I want to have your abortion
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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