mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
