Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
