4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Randomize
