Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
