My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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