i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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