Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
