Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
