Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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