I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
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