This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
