My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
