I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Randomize
