If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
my being single is dangerous.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
