wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
