is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
