made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
